By and large, penis-size problems begin above the neck, not below the waist. Psychologists say we got the itch for more inches as children when we first spied our father’s member. Compared to our toddler’s tool, Dad was hung like a bear—so we got hung up on size.
“Children don’t adjust for scale and make the logical conclusion that Dad’s penis is larger because he’s an adult,” says C. Steven Manley, Ph.D., staff psychologist at The Male Health Center in Dallas. “Some part of that initial perception stays with us.” Our shortsightedness can get reinforced in the locker rooms of junior high and high school, says Dr. Manley. “That’s where things can become traumatic, because at that age, there’s so much competition and intimidation and teasing and locker-room talk,” says Dr. Manley. Consequently, he and other psychologists have a full-time job helping men come to terms with their concerns. “It comes down to a self-esteem problem,” he says. “And men will often as not hang their esteem on one particular attribute.”
If you think you’re inadequate, Dr. Manley says knowing the statistics on penis sizes probably won’t make you feel any better. But just in case: The average adult penis ranges from four to six inches erect. Length is defined by the distance from the tip all the way to the base of the pubic bone, where the shaft of the penis first emerges from the abdomen—not the pubic hairline as many guys tend to think.
Biologically, the penis only has to be long enough to penetrate and inseminate—just a couple of inches in an erect state would do it. And as far as stimulating your partner goes, the most sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy are in the first third of the vagina.
Granted, there are some cases where a penis can be too short. This is known as microphallus, a type of birth defect that can be effectively treated in infancy. But micro means micro—we’re talking less than four inches erect. If you do have this problem, it would be worth your while to see your urologist to determine how to cope with this unusual situation.
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“I don’t want to hear it!” Ellen furiously told her husband, David, who was caught completely off-guard by her angry outburst. To tell you the truth, we were also surprised by her response, since it occurred just after David had begun to convey how much he loved Ellen and worried about her, trying to decide what to do when she had woken up in excruciating pain on the morning after her car accident. We had no reason to doubt his sincerity, but Ellen obviously did.
“None of this would have happened if you hadn’t made us move here,” she shouted at him. “If you ever cared about me at all, you never would have forced me to move to the godforsaken Midwest!”
As you may recall from the previous chapter, Ellen and David’s sex life and relationship had both gone downhill following an automobile accident that left Ellen in chronic pain. Up until this point, they had both blamed their problems on Ellen’s physical condition and her preoccupation with it. But now it was apparent that anger and resentment had been brewing inside Ellen and inhibiting her desire long before her car careened out of control on an icy highway.
Looking back on the months following the move they had made more than four years ago, David recalled, “Ellen used to pick arguments right before we went to bed. She’d just go on about something trivial and then walk away, leaving me top ticked off to sleep and definitely in no mood to have sex. The fights never had anything directly to do with the move. She never said anything about that, although she did seem a little down.”
“A little down!” Ellen gasped, finally able to let out the feelings she had suppressed for so long. “I was practically suicidal. I gave up my friends and my family and my home in the state where I had always lived so he could have the job he wanted. I hated the weather, our townhouse, the school where I was teaching. It was all I could do to get myself out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t just a little down—I was depressed.” And under the depression, she was seething with anger. David did not know any of this—not because he was exceptionally insensitive, but because Ellen had kept it all inside, never once objecting to a move she truly had not wanted to make.
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Through effective communication that intimacy is established and can grow. Thus, understanding how to communicate effectively is a cornerstone of interpersonal and sexual relations, yet few of us are taught the skills of intimate communications. In schools we learn to write essays and term papers and sometimes even learn the fundamentals of how to speak before a group or to debate, but when it comes to developing intimate communication skills, we are left alone. The following discussion provides some practical, commonsense suggestions for developing your ability to communicate effectively in personal relationships.
Communication usually begins with the intent to convey information to someone e! ,e. The sender must convert the intent into an actual message that is presented to the intended recipient. The message may be verbal (words, sounds) or nonverbal (consisting of a look, a touch, or an action). The recipient must not only receive the message but also understand and interpret its meaning. At each one of these seemingly simple steps, things can and do go wrong.
In many cases, the sender doesn’t succeed in saying what he or she really means. Sometimes, for example, people can’t find the right words to convey what they’re feeling, or what they need, so the messages they send are inaccurate. Even if the message has been accurately formulated, something may go wrong in the sending process so it’s never received at all or is received in a garbled fashion. How often has someone missed the main point of your message, and after you explained yourself (perhaps with some exasperation) said, “Oh, that wasn’t what 1 thought you said.”
Next, the receiver may not be turned on and so may miss the message (that is, a person may not be listening to what you’re saying), or he might hear what he would like or expect to hear, rather than what is actually said.
Possibly the single greatest source of communication trouble, however, is in the way messages are interpreted by those who receive them.
Man: I told you earlier this evening I didn’t want to make love tonight.
Woman: I thought you just meant you didn’t want to then, I didn’t realize you meant for the whole night.
Although the seemingly simple art of communication can often be difficult and complex, there are steps we can take to ensure that our messages are sent as clearly as possible and that we are open to receiving messages as efficiently as we can. We examine these steps in the following sections.

Sending Signals Clearly
Effective communication begins with the message sent from one person to another. If an unclear message goes out, even an attentive listener is likely to be confused and forced to guess about the intended meaning. There seem to be three main reasons for this lack of clarity.
Not saying what you mean. When people aren’t able to find the right words to express their feelings, they may not be fully in touch with their feelings. People may also avoid saying what they really mean so they won’t hurt someone they care about, so they won’t be embarrassed, or so they won’t risk being rejected.
Sending mixed messages. Mixed messages carry contradictory-meanings. This can happen when body language or a person’s tone of voice contradicts the spoken words. For instance, if someone says “That’s lovely,” but grimaces while speaking, the listener is apt to be confused. Likewise, a person who says “I am NOT upset” in a forced, slowly articulated voice is indicating just the opposite. Mixed messages also occur when there’s an inconsistency in the content of a message, as when one part of the message negates the other: “I love it when you’re rough with me, but I wish you’d be more gentle,” or “I really don’t want to worry you, but I think I may be pregnant” are examples of this type of problem.
3. Not being specific. Vague statements leave a listener frustrated and wondering “What did he/she mean?” For instance, being told “We should really have more romance in our lives” by your partner might lead you to ask yourself: “Does this mean there’s something wrong with our relationship? Am I being criticized? Should I be doing something new? Is my partner unhappy? What does my partner want?” A more specific statement such as “I’d love it if you would read me some love poems once in a while to help me feel romantic,” wouldn’t leave those loose ends.
Clarity in communications can be enhanced in a number of different ways. Here are some general suggestions to think about:
Think through what you want to say and how you’ll say it particularly if it’s an important or emotionally charged message.
Let your partner know what your priorities are; try not to crowd in so many requests and instructions that it’s difficult to grasp your key points.
Be concise. Long-winded discussions are more likely to confuse than clarify. On the other hand, being concise doesn’t mean being simplistic or superficial. Don’t leave out important information about your feelings or desires in order to be brief.
Don’t talk at your partner. Give him or her a chance to respond and interact.
Try not to begin communications by criticizing or blaming your partner. Starting on a negative note puts your partner on the defensive and makes objective listening difficult.
Don’t be afraid to put what you need to say in a letter if you’re having trouble saying it face-to-face. Writing it down shows that you cared enough to take the time to say it carefully.
7. Ask for feedback from your partner to be sure you’ve been understood and to get his or her reactions.

Nonverbal Communications
After a lovemaking session one night, Cathy withdrew into a stubborn silence. When George asked her what was wrong, she said, “Nothing at all,” but the firm set of her lips and the way she rolled away to avoid his touch told George how to interpret these words — that in fact something was bothering her. With some patience and encouragement, George was finally able to find out what had upset Cathy. She hadn’t had an orgasm, and she felt the reason was that he had stopped stroking her clitoris too soon.
As this example shows, the nonverbal side of communication is often at least as important as the words that are spoken. In fact, one psychologist suggests that of the total feeling expressed by a spoken message, only 7 percent is verbal feeling, 38 percent is vocal feeling, and 55 percent is conveyed by facial expression. Posture and positioning (body language) also are powerful forms of nonverbal messages, sometimes saying “Keep away” and sometimes inviting intimacy and closeness. Sitting in a relaxed fashion sprawled out next to your partner usually conveys a sense of comfort and warmth, while sitting rigidly on the edge of your chair at a deliberate distance from your partner usually conveys a sense of withdrawal, annoyance, or preoccupation. Unspoken messages can also be powerfully transmitted by touch, which can suggest an attitude of caring and accessibility.
It’s important to recognize that inconsistencies between nonverbal cues and verbal content are usually resolved in favor of the former; in this sense, nonverbal messages are more “powerful” than spoken words alone. For this reason it’s useful to communicate in ways that maintain consistency between the verbal and nonverbal messages you send to your partner, taking care to avoid sending mixed messages by saying one thing with your words and something different with your body language or vocal tone. Thus, one way to improve the chances of communicating effectively is to be aware of your own nonverbal language
— an aspect of communicating to which many people never pay attention. It also helps to actually practice ways of sending positive nonverbal messages that express trust, commitment, and caring rather than suspicion, rejection, or impatience. You can do this by yourself, with the aid of a mirror or tape recorder, or with your partner’s help. Together you can discuss the nonverbal communication patterns in your relationship and see how they can be improved.
Not surprisingly, nonverbal messages apply in a special way to sexual interactions. At times, they indicate displeasure or resentment. For instance, if your partner’s body tenses up whenever you stimulate the genital area with your tongue, you may begin to think that he or she is uncomfortable with this caress no matter what is said. Likewise, if your partner usually moans with passion as you make love together, the sudden absence of such sounds may make you feel as if you were doing something wrong. At other times, nonverbal messages convey a sense of pleasure, involvement, warmth, or similar feelings. In addition, nonverbal communications during sex can help your partner see what you like without breaking the mood by words. And taking your partner’s hand and guiding it on your body, or showing your partner exactly how you’d like to be touched, can be a true gift of sexual intimacy.
Although touch can be used as an effective means of nonverbal communication in a variety of ways, intimate partners often seem to talk too much and touch too little, missing many opportunities to convey feelings of tenderness or affection to each other. In many situations, a long, tight hug says more about the way people feel about each other than a ten-minute dialogue. Likewise, stroking a partner’s hair or face, or leisurely kissing, or performing a sensual massage can convey a sense of caring and pleasure-that goes beyond words. On the other hand, if people confine their touching to sexual situations, they compartmentalize the physical side of their interaction, sometimes making sex seem like a bartered commodity used to attain closeness.
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When the game becomes more actively played by both, it takes off on its own. The dirty talk will have a liberating effect on both partners, since this forbidden language, as well as the ideation behind it, are being repressed and hence are blocking both true love and sex. The language and the sex alike become more abandoned with each playing of the game.

The final step is to discuss the significance of the dirty talk—what it means to both partners, how it “feels,” and even where it comes from. This step is very important, for without it the game will simply be an enactment of the fantasies without resolving the block that creates the need for the fantasies. This reminds me of the male patient I wrote about in the book’s Introduction, who was seduced by the young woman who wanted him to talk dirty to her while she sucked her thumb. While such enactment of one’s sexual fantasies is gratifying, it is not therapeutic. Instead, it becomes a repeating pattern that feeds upon itself while never really achieving the ultimate satisfaction of a real connection.

Talking about the experience of using common language during sex—discussing one’s need to talk dirty or to hear dirty talk—leads to insight about how one’s natural feelings about sex got to be derailed and one’s capacity for unhindered tenderness was blocked. It moves the experience out of the level of compulsive acting-out to a higher level of awareness, trust, and bond-building. When that happens, sex transcends the realm of ritual and becomes rich with a deeper meaning.

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The two begin as they normally would when making love. When they are aroused, they sit or lie opposite one another and begin to bring each other to orgasm using either hands or mouth—whichever they deem best. (Hand sex may be best for couples who have problems accepting oral sex or with achieving orgasm through intercourse.) In either case, as soon as the sex—of whatever kind—begins, the race is on. The partners set about trying to make their partner come first, and so each, of course, tries to resist letting go. The first person to achieve orgasm loses—and thus, of course, the person who causes the other to come wins. To spice up the game, the winner may get a prize—i.e., he or she will be the other’s slave.

This game will provoke feelings that have lain dormant. Some people, when asked to make sex competitive, will scoff.

Others will suddenly have orgasms with a vengeance, whereas they previously had difficulty in obtaining them. Still others will take great pride in getting their partner (their opponent) to come first. In addition, the game puts each person into a conflict: to win the game the participants must try to make their mate come, yet on another level, the one who has the orgasm wins. Hence, either way they are both winning and losing. The person who comes first wins by losing; the other loses by winning. This conflict is not present in only this game, but also underlies the sexual block itself, and is unconsciously present whenever the participants have sex. All this game does is bring the conflict to the surface.

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By this time the real passive spouse will have at least begun to protest. “This is a ridiculous play!” The active spouse will then invite the passive spouse to the stage to play the dummy’s role, but will require him or her to undress first. They will do the scene again—but this time as the passive spouse would like to play it. When they do play out the new version, the active spouse will begin to embrace and kiss the passive spouse—a move which will lead to new and unexpected reactions and feelings on the part of both.

The passive spouse, in playing the scene differently, has the opportunity to do what every writer does—re-create life in one’s own image. In doing so, that person unwittingly begins to see the relationship in a new way and to try new approaches and responses.

This couple definitely will find that their sexual relations improve as they replay this script. Also, the play will leave an indelible impression that will require much further discussion—if not right at that time, then at some point in the near future. The scene can be repeated again and again and each time elicit new reactions and feelings, stimulating a resurgence of sexual passion and more-honest communication.

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Players: Bored husband and boring wife.

Activist: Husband, without wife’s cooperation or knowledge.

Setting: Home.

Aim: Prod wife out of her defensive posture and rekindle sexual passion and emotional involvement.

Game Plan: The wife comes home from work (or wherever) and finds a note on the front door. “Hello, my dearest wife. You have been elected queen for a night. Prepare yourself for the surprise party of your life and times!” She enters to find that the lights are low, the scent of incense is in the air, and the strains of soft, exotic music (or the romantic songs of her favorite crooner) fill the room. When she enters the dining room, she finds the table set with their finest china, napkins, and silverware, candles burning, and her favorite flowers in a vase at the center of the table. The aroma of steaming oysters (or her favorite food) comes from the kitchen. A bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice sits at the corner of the table.

“Good evening, my dear,” the husband says, popping out of the kitchen, dressed in a tuxedo. “Here, let me help you with that.” He takes her purse, her briefcase, her packages— whatever she is carrying.

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He shakes his head and looks at me with his handsome brown eyes. His voice has a slight whine in it, but his eyes have a mischievous glint, and I can see he is not really that perturbed. It is as though he is saying, “Yes, it was a bit strange, and I got teased—but wasn’t it exciting?” “What do you think, Doc?” He raises and lowers his eyebrows three times. “Is that weird, or what?”

Today people enjoy a sexual freedom that perhaps no other society has ever enjoyed: There are scarcely any rules, as long as the sex is between consenting adults. However, while having too many rules may be stifling, no rules can be baffling. What would have been seen as perverse and indulgent in the past is now viewed as diverse and creative. What was viewed with forbidden joy is now seen with trepidation, something infested with the ever-present specter of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. What was once naive and sentimental is now often complex and clinical, surrounded by anxieties pertaining to harassment or rape. In the Hamptons, on college campuses, in marital beds, and in any other place where lovers meet, there is often an atmosphere of distrust between the genders.

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Even if on first meeting two people find they are attracted to each other, it is essential before pursuing the relationship further that they sort out their ideas of what the purpose of the

hoped-for relationship is. In other words, they should have realistic and mutually acceptable goals or they will end up wasting each other’s time and even exploiting one another. Obviously, if either is thinking seriously of marriage as the end point, he or she will be looking for different things from someone who wants a short-term partner with whom to go to a social event or have sex.

So when a couple meet and start getting to know each other they have to make some rather quick and basic assessments of what each other’s goals are. There are problems here because girls are occasionally misled by men – or even mislead themselves – into believing that the men want a long-term relationship and that they are in love when really all they want is sex (though not necessarily intercourse). A survey of what makes men and women unwilling to have intercourse at this stage of a relationship found that men said that fear of pregnancy and the inability to persuade the girl were top of their list, whereas women said that they did not have intercourse because they were not in love, because they would feel guilty afterwards, or because it was against their principles. The fear of AIDS is tending to be an inhibiting factor in some people.

There is a lot of misunderstanding between the sexes. Men think women refuse to have sexual intercourse because of fear of pregnancy and for fear of losing their reputation rather than through shame or because they are not in love. The problem obviously lies in trying to assess such a delicate situation before embarking on the chase at all, and most of us try to do this along the lines described in this chapter.

Perhaps the last thing we should look at in the sexual attraction a girl has for a boy at this stage is the concept of love. Many youngsters, especially girls, find themselves ‘in love’ quite early in a new relationship. The most obvious thing about people who are in love is that they are blind to the faults of the loved-one even though these are pointed out by caring friends and relatives.

The infatuation stage of being in love is important in the context of sexual attraction because it can seriously impair one’s ability to make reasoned decisions. There is no doubt in our minds, from clinical experience, that many girls of this age who feel sexually aroused by a man unconsciously generate feelings of love so as to ‘permit’ themselves to go further sexually. Boys may also protest love because they hope it will obtain sexual favours. The sad thing is that such episodes debase the true concept of love between a man and a woman and make it even more difficult for people to recognise love when they see it in a potentially permanent relationship. On the other hand, if valuable lessons have been learned, all experience is useful.

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Our body’s natural smells are an essential part of our attraction system, yet our culture has become obsessed with cleanliness and we seem to be intent on destroying or masking them. Certainly it makes sense and is pleasant to keep oneself clean but it is-not necessary to overdo the deodorant or the perfume, because our own personal odours can have very powerful sexual properties.

As well as our obvious body odours there are other more subtle ‘odours’ called pheromones. These are chemicals produced by the body of an animal which have an effect on the behaviour of its fellows, as a form of communication. They are ‘smells’ which are not consciously recognised by the brain but nevertheless affect the behaviour of others. Pheromones have been widely described in various animal species and research has confirmed, not surprisingly, that humans have them too. A substance called androstenone occurs in male sweat and urine and has an attractant effect on women. Similar substances in women are the vaginal pheromones or copulins which attract men. These are produced in increased amounts around the time of ovulation and arouse men most then.

There are other fascinating pheromone phenomena. For example, women living together (in women’s halls of residence, nurses’ homes and convents, for example) tend to menstruate at the same time. Even though their menstrual cycles are different when they enter the community they tend to synchronise in time. One researcher spread male pheromones on the pillows of nuns’ beds and found that those nuns’ periods were disrupted from the ‘norm’ of the other nuns. This has now been called the ‘strange male effect’. It has been found that telephones sprayed with male pheromones are used more by women than adjacent ones that are not sprayed; and that theatre seats sprayed with male pheromones attract women. Even children can detect the sexual odour of adults and around the age of three sometimes have a distaste for the smell of the same-sex parent.

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