When the game becomes more actively played by both, it takes off on its own. The dirty talk will have a liberating effect on both partners, since this forbidden language, as well as the ideation behind it, are being repressed and hence are blocking both true love and sex. The language and the sex alike become more abandoned with each playing of the game.

The final step is to discuss the significance of the dirty talk—what it means to both partners, how it “feels,” and even where it comes from. This step is very important, for without it the game will simply be an enactment of the fantasies without resolving the block that creates the need for the fantasies. This reminds me of the male patient I wrote about in the book’s Introduction, who was seduced by the young woman who wanted him to talk dirty to her while she sucked her thumb. While such enactment of one’s sexual fantasies is gratifying, it is not therapeutic. Instead, it becomes a repeating pattern that feeds upon itself while never really achieving the ultimate satisfaction of a real connection.

Talking about the experience of using common language during sex—discussing one’s need to talk dirty or to hear dirty talk—leads to insight about how one’s natural feelings about sex got to be derailed and one’s capacity for unhindered tenderness was blocked. It moves the experience out of the level of compulsive acting-out to a higher level of awareness, trust, and bond-building. When that happens, sex transcends the realm of ritual and becomes rich with a deeper meaning.

*104/196/1*

The two begin as they normally would when making love. When they are aroused, they sit or lie opposite one another and begin to bring each other to orgasm using either hands or mouth—whichever they deem best. (Hand sex may be best for couples who have problems accepting oral sex or with achieving orgasm through intercourse.) In either case, as soon as the sex—of whatever kind—begins, the race is on. The partners set about trying to make their partner come first, and so each, of course, tries to resist letting go. The first person to achieve orgasm loses—and thus, of course, the person who causes the other to come wins. To spice up the game, the winner may get a prize—i.e., he or she will be the other’s slave.

This game will provoke feelings that have lain dormant. Some people, when asked to make sex competitive, will scoff.

Others will suddenly have orgasms with a vengeance, whereas they previously had difficulty in obtaining them. Still others will take great pride in getting their partner (their opponent) to come first. In addition, the game puts each person into a conflict: to win the game the participants must try to make their mate come, yet on another level, the one who has the orgasm wins. Hence, either way they are both winning and losing. The person who comes first wins by losing; the other loses by winning. This conflict is not present in only this game, but also underlies the sexual block itself, and is unconsciously present whenever the participants have sex. All this game does is bring the conflict to the surface.

*79/196/1*

By this time the real passive spouse will have at least begun to protest. “This is a ridiculous play!” The active spouse will then invite the passive spouse to the stage to play the dummy’s role, but will require him or her to undress first. They will do the scene again—but this time as the passive spouse would like to play it. When they do play out the new version, the active spouse will begin to embrace and kiss the passive spouse—a move which will lead to new and unexpected reactions and feelings on the part of both.

The passive spouse, in playing the scene differently, has the opportunity to do what every writer does—re-create life in one’s own image. In doing so, that person unwittingly begins to see the relationship in a new way and to try new approaches and responses.

This couple definitely will find that their sexual relations improve as they replay this script. Also, the play will leave an indelible impression that will require much further discussion—if not right at that time, then at some point in the near future. The scene can be repeated again and again and each time elicit new reactions and feelings, stimulating a resurgence of sexual passion and more-honest communication.

*54/196/1*

Players: Bored husband and boring wife.

Activist: Husband, without wife’s cooperation or knowledge.

Setting: Home.

Aim: Prod wife out of her defensive posture and rekindle sexual passion and emotional involvement.

Game Plan: The wife comes home from work (or wherever) and finds a note on the front door. “Hello, my dearest wife. You have been elected queen for a night. Prepare yourself for the surprise party of your life and times!” She enters to find that the lights are low, the scent of incense is in the air, and the strains of soft, exotic music (or the romantic songs of her favorite crooner) fill the room. When she enters the dining room, she finds the table set with their finest china, napkins, and silverware, candles burning, and her favorite flowers in a vase at the center of the table. The aroma of steaming oysters (or her favorite food) comes from the kitchen. A bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice sits at the corner of the table.

“Good evening, my dear,” the husband says, popping out of the kitchen, dressed in a tuxedo. “Here, let me help you with that.” He takes her purse, her briefcase, her packages— whatever she is carrying.

*29/196/1*

He shakes his head and looks at me with his handsome brown eyes. His voice has a slight whine in it, but his eyes have a mischievous glint, and I can see he is not really that perturbed. It is as though he is saying, “Yes, it was a bit strange, and I got teased—but wasn’t it exciting?” “What do you think, Doc?” He raises and lowers his eyebrows three times. “Is that weird, or what?”

Today people enjoy a sexual freedom that perhaps no other society has ever enjoyed: There are scarcely any rules, as long as the sex is between consenting adults. However, while having too many rules may be stifling, no rules can be baffling. What would have been seen as perverse and indulgent in the past is now viewed as diverse and creative. What was viewed with forbidden joy is now seen with trepidation, something infested with the ever-present specter of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. What was once naive and sentimental is now often complex and clinical, surrounded by anxieties pertaining to harassment or rape. In the Hamptons, on college campuses, in marital beds, and in any other place where lovers meet, there is often an atmosphere of distrust between the genders.

*3/196/1*