SEXUAL ATTRACTION: WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Even if on first meeting two people find they are attracted to each other, it is essential before pursuing the relationship further that they sort out their ideas of what the purpose of the
hoped-for relationship is. In other words, they should have realistic and mutually acceptable goals or they will end up wasting each other’s time and even exploiting one another. Obviously, if either is thinking seriously of marriage as the end point, he or she will be looking for different things from someone who wants a short-term partner with whom to go to a social event or have sex.
So when a couple meet and start getting to know each other they have to make some rather quick and basic assessments of what each other’s goals are. There are problems here because girls are occasionally misled by men – or even mislead themselves – into believing that the men want a long-term relationship and that they are in love when really all they want is sex (though not necessarily intercourse). A survey of what makes men and women unwilling to have intercourse at this stage of a relationship found that men said that fear of pregnancy and the inability to persuade the girl were top of their list, whereas women said that they did not have intercourse because they were not in love, because they would feel guilty afterwards, or because it was against their principles. The fear of AIDS is tending to be an inhibiting factor in some people.
There is a lot of misunderstanding between the sexes. Men think women refuse to have sexual intercourse because of fear of pregnancy and for fear of losing their reputation rather than through shame or because they are not in love. The problem obviously lies in trying to assess such a delicate situation before embarking on the chase at all, and most of us try to do this along the lines described in this chapter.
Perhaps the last thing we should look at in the sexual attraction a girl has for a boy at this stage is the concept of love. Many youngsters, especially girls, find themselves ‘in love’ quite early in a new relationship. The most obvious thing about people who are in love is that they are blind to the faults of the loved-one even though these are pointed out by caring friends and relatives.
The infatuation stage of being in love is important in the context of sexual attraction because it can seriously impair one’s ability to make reasoned decisions. There is no doubt in our minds, from clinical experience, that many girls of this age who feel sexually aroused by a man unconsciously generate feelings of love so as to ‘permit’ themselves to go further sexually. Boys may also protest love because they hope it will obtain sexual favours. The sad thing is that such episodes debase the true concept of love between a man and a woman and make it even more difficult for people to recognise love when they see it in a potentially permanent relationship. On the other hand, if valuable lessons have been learned, all experience is useful.
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Tags: Men’s Health